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It’s 3 a.m. I’m sitting on the cold steps of my apartment bu..
It’s 3 a.m. I’m sitting on the cold steps of my apartment building because I can’t sleep. I wanted to go outside for a bit, get some air, but it was too cold, so I came back in.I’ve been struggling with insomnia again for the past two weeks. It’s slowly driving me insane.I’m on edge, and I don’t even fully understand why. Maybe it’s because of the upcoming trip to Belarus? Yes, I’ve decided to go—because of my grandmother. It’s a risk, but I’m going anyway, hoping everything will turn out okay.I haven’t seen my mom or ...
Part 14Today was one of those tough days I don’t even want t..
Part 14Today was one of those tough days I don’t even want to think about. My mood reflects that, and in this moment, I felt the need to continue sharing my story about depression.If you missed the previous parts, you can read them below.After moving to Poland, I felt relatively good, like things were starting to fall into place.It was March.But by December, I was hit again by a horrible wave of depression.I decided to focus on my Instagram because my paintings were barely selling, and the money I had saved up was running out. I took several ...
Today, I decided to take a day off. In the morning, I planne..
Today, I decided to take a day off. In the morning, I planned to go to the cinema, but, by some twist of fate, I ended up at the wrong cinema. Though, coincidences are rarely just coincidences.I was in a melancholic-philosophical mood, and I just went for a walk around the city.It so happened that I found myself near a place I have long loved—a cemetery I know like the back of my hand, every path, every old gravestone. And perhaps, at that moment, I was meant to be there.I often come here—not out of sadness or grief, but because this place ...
Finally, I got around to writing this post—I want to share a..
Finally, I got around to writing this post—I want to share a little about my trip to Tenerife.Since сhildhооd, I have dreamed of seeing whales. This dream was the main reason for my journey. I had already tried, unsuccessfully, to spot them twice in Portugal and three times in Iceland, but luck was never on my side.When I arrived in Tenerife, I found out that there are no large whales there—only small pilot whales. But I was able to see them up close. Of course, it wasn’t exactly what I had hoped for, but I was still incredibly happy. ...
Ten days.Ten attempts to finish next part of my story. Every..
Ten days.Ten attempts to finish next part of my story. Every time I sit down, open my notes the words stubbornly refuse to form sentences.Maybe I should take a break? Leave the story I’m working on for a while and write about something else?For example, last night I was watching a YouTube video about two friends who had disappeared without a trace. One theory suggested that they were attacked by wild animals. For some reason, this really unsettled me. I felt a deep, almost primal anxiety—as if the very thought that something like this could...
Part 13When I stepped out of Warsaw Airport, it was March 1,..
Part 13When I stepped out of Warsaw Airport, it was March 1, 2021. I remember that moment vividly. Lighting a cigarette, I looked around and suddenly felt something strange yet incredibly warm—a sense of home. It caught me off guard. I had only been to Warsaw once before, as a tourist. And now, this city was about to become my new reality.I didn’t know the language, didn’t understand what life here was like, but deep inside, I felt that everything would change. That this place would become my home.I had lived in Belarus for 25 years. It w...
Part Xll«Hello, my dear, my love.Thank you so much for your ..
Part Xll«Hello, my dear, my love.Thank you so much for your letter. I worry about you a lot and miss you so much. My life now is dull, sad, and lacks any excitement. I understand that I need to get used to living on and living differently.Thank you for the photos. Your cats are beautiful. The New Year and Christmas are approaching, and I want to wish you all the best, my love—most importantly, good health, well-being, and the fulfillment of all your plans.I’m sending you a scarf—I don’t know if it turned out the way you wanted.Well...
Part 11I understand that my words may seem banal, unoriginal..
Part 11I understand that my words may seem banal, unoriginal, or even meaningless. Maybe they won’t sound inspiring. But I am not trying to say something new—I am simply telling my story. And I know that millions of people around the world are going through the same thing.Perhaps some of you are currently struggling with loneliness, fears, anxiety, pain, depression, or a loss of meaning in life. I know how hard it is to escape this. But I also know for sure that it is possible. If I managed to do it—even if I were the only one out of eigh...
Part 10This is probably where one of the brightest periods o..
Part 10This is probably where one of the brightest periods of my life begins—a time when events started unfolding in a way that deeply influenced me and set me on a new path.After the hospital, I felt a little better. I kept taking antidepressants and started seeing a psychologist. At the time, I had no idea that this woman would become one of the most important people in my journey. She didn’t just do her job—she genuinely wanted to help. There was depth in her words, empathy in her gaze, and real care in her approach.When things became ...
For the past few days, Warsaw has been bathed in sunshine. I..
For the past few days, Warsaw has been bathed in sunshine. I want to go out for a walk and enjoy the warmth, but, of course, I had to get sick. My fever was so high that I barely had the strength to do anything, even cook. All I could do was wrap myself in a blanket, open the window, and listen to the city come to life outside.Today, I’m feeling much better. Hopefully, by the beginning of next week, I’ll have fully recovered. For the first time in a long while, I feel a small surge of energy—maybe it’s the magic of the sun… or just th...
Let’s take a break from heavy topics and dive into the world..
Let’s take a break from heavy topics and dive into the world of art. I want to share something that brings me incredible inspiration and joy.I first became fascinated with sculpture when I was 19. For me, it’s more than just art — it’s pure delight, the quintessence of beauty and admiration. Even paintings, no matter how stunning, don’t evoke the same emotions in me as sculptures do. Every time I look at one, I can’t help but wonder: how does a story emerge from a rough block of stone? How does the artist’s hand carve such exquisi...
Part 9I’m often asked why I don’t have a regular job. The an..
Part 9I’m often asked why I don’t have a regular job. The answer lies in the fact that I simply can’t …(see Part 8).It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when I changed. How did a cheerful, outgoing girl turn into an anxious and reserved person who’s afraid to talk to people?I remember one incident particularly vividly. It happened at a yoga retreat in the woods. At the end of the program, we were asked to share our thoughts, thank each other, and talk about what we had learned or understood. We sat in a circle, and a ball, symbolizing the ...
Part VlllWhen you are in deprеssion, it feels like life has ..
Part VlllWhen you are in deprеssion, it feels like life has come to a hаlt. Everything loses meaning, dreams vanish, and the only wish you have is for this endless state of emptiness to end as soon as possible. You see no light, no hope, and the thought that happiness might return one day seems аbsurd.But I realized one thing: to change anything, you need to start аcting. Even if it feels impossible, you must find the strength and desire to change everything. You need a goal. After all, a person without a goal is like a ship that has lоst ...
Part VllBy the time I ended up in the hоspital, my boyfriend..
Part VllBy the time I ended up in the hоspital, my boyfriend and I had already broken up. I’ve mentioned before how much this person meant to me. I was dependent on him as the source of both my joy and my pain.When he left, my heart shattered completely. I lost all dignity, I lost my mind, trying to talk to him, trying to find the right words to fix everything.I promised I would change, that I would become better, that I could be different. I mаnipulаted, I lied, I pitiеd myself, and I dеstroyed myself. The раin that consumеd me never...
Part VlI mе.t my friеnd when I was already in the dеpths of ..
Part VlI mе.t my friеnd when I was already in the dеpths of an еxistеntiаl сrisis. Our rеlationship didn’t turn into a friеndship right away. She often said things I didn’t want to hеar. No, they weren’t in$ults or anything of the sоrt—they were truths. Truths I was un.willing or unrеаdy to face.The truth about onеsеlf is like a mirrоr you’d rаther not look intо. Pеople are often аfrаid of it. They dеfend themsеlves, аrgue, sometimes evеn fierсеly сling to their illusiоns, just to аvоid асknowledging t...
Hello, everyone! Let’s take a little break from stories and ..
Hello, everyone! Let’s take a little break from stories and depression and pick up again next year 🫣 he he I want to wish you all a Happy New Year.Thank you for being here with me, sharing in my sorrows and joys, just as I share in yours ❤️In the coming year, I wish for you to be fearless in pursuing your dreams and desires. After all, what’s the point otherwise?I’ll do my best to bring you new stories, fresh content, and simply heartfelt conversations.Thank you, and have a wonderful weekend ❤️ Sending you all my love and hugs!
Part VDuring this реriod of my life, I fеlt lost, раthetic, ..
Part VDuring this реriod of my life, I fеlt lost, раthetic, and helpless.I don’t blаme others for what happened to me — this is simply my реrspective on the events that unfoldеdI was scared. Unprepared for what I had to endurе. When your inner dеmons rise to the surfасе, you have no choice but to face them head-on.It’s tеrrifying. It’s shаttering.I did things I’m ashаmed even to rесаll. I couldn’t stand the sight of myself, my reflection, or even the feel of my оwn bоdy. I hаted myself, my life, and everything...
PART lV Despite all the pаin that piеrсеd me to the very cor..
PART lV Despite all the pаin that piеrсеd me to the very core, there was no turning back. I walked into the abyss of my own consciousness, taking enоrmous, almost despеrаte steps. A storm raged inside me—emotions tore my soul apart, and old wounds, like fеstеring sоres, suddenly began to blееd. The fear of being alone with myself consumed me. I longed for safety, a quiet haven where I could hide from myself. But I knew: no matter where you go or how far you run, you cannot escape yourself. If there is emptiness inside you, it will...
Part lllSometimes it seems to me that in that relationship, ..
Part lllSometimes it seems to me that in that relationship, I was like a little puppy — small, naive, helpless — taken in to be raised and taught.And yes, that’s exactly how it was. But despite all the pain and chaos that accompanied that experience, I feel a deep gratitude toward that person. He became a turning point, a fracture in my consciousness — my gift and my curse at the same time. A heavy, complicated burden, yet one I would never trade for anything in the world.As paradoxical as it sounds, I love this world with all its imper...
PART llDecember 2013Our first mееting took place at the entr..
PART llDecember 2013Our first mееting took place at the entrance to the train station. Snow was falling softly, wrapping the city in a white blanket. I stood there, a little nervous, wearing my orange Nike Cortez sneakers, blue jeans, and a gray jacket. That was me—an 18-year-old freshman at an economics university, full of hopes but utterly ordinary dreams.I was cheerful, sociable, and painfully simple. Deep thoughts, unique perspectives—those weren’t about me. My goals were limited to what was expected of me: finish university, get a ...
PART l To be honest, I can hardly remember how it all began...
PART l To be honest, I can hardly remember how it all began.My memories slip away, leaving only fragments of feelings and images. But one date remains etched in my mind — 2015.At the time, I was studying at university. My life unfolded in a cramped rental apartment with terrible decor, peeling walls, and cockroaches that seemed to rule the place as if they were the rightful owners. The windows were broken, and during the winter, an icy draft swept through the room, reminding me how defenseless I was against the world.This was yet another time...
December turned out to be simply amazing.The month began wit..
December turned out to be simply amazing.The month began with wonderful news: I finally scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist and got my tests done. Plus, SG bought my set, I sold two small paintings, and even one of my most recent works.That last piece, however, barely broke even — all because of my perfectionism.Yes, I’m that person who organizes clothes by color, meticulously sorts items by size, and aligns everything on shelves almost with a ruler. The slightest disorder unsettles me to the point where I feel the urge to fix it, ...
The past few days have felt like a small ray of light breaki..
The past few days have felt like a small ray of light breaking through a long tunnel. It seems like I can breathe a little easier.Sometimes, I even catch myself thinking that I might be able to handle depression on my own. But deep down, I know it’s just an illusion, a fragile mirage hiding the reality of my condition.Most days, I stay home, rarely venturing outside, do new projects and sometimes it feels like the world beyond my window has ceased to exist.But into this monotony came moments that I’ll remember for a long time. The day befor...
This weekend, I went to Wrocław to visit my friends. To be h..
This weekend, I went to Wrocław to visit my friends. To be honest, I hesitated until the very last moment about whether I should go.Depression, a sense of emptiness, and feeling like nothing matters – in moments like that, all you want is to hide from the world, not dive into new experiences. But the trip had been planned for a long time, and I knew that maybe a change of scenery could help distract me.They are successful, happy, and own a business – sometimes their life feels like a picture-perfect postcard from Instagram. And all weekend...
Friends 👋🏽 I’ve been silent for a long time, and I want to e..
Friends 👋🏽 I’ve been silent for a long time, and I want to explain why.Those of you who have been with me for a while know that I’ve been battling depression for about 9 уеаrs. It’s a part of my life that comes and goes in waves.Unfortunately, I am currently in another depressive phase. But this time, it feels different because I’ve realized that I can no longer cope on my own.I feel overwhelmed, insecure, weak, unworthy, and unattractive. These thoughts are breaking me from the inside, and I don’t want to pretend that everyt...
Do you ever have those moments when a memory from сhildhооd ..
Do you ever have those moments when a memory from сhildhооd suddenly comes to life — vivid, down to the smallest details?For the past month, in the silence of sleepless nights, I often lie in bed, sinking into one of those memories. It fills me with a bittersweet nostalgia, and I find myself wishing I could return, if only for a moment, to that simple, distant day.I wake up early in the morning. The house is quiet, but in the kitchen, my grandma is already busy preparing breakfast: a boiled egg, two sandwiches with cheese and butter, and, ...
Today is the second day that I have not slept. More precisel..
Today is the second day that I have not slept. More precisely, I suffer from insomnia. Sometimes I fall asleep for an hour, and then wake up again... The migraine has not gone away for five days already... I cannot draw or work. Sometimes during the day I feel better, but then again. I feel pressure in my eyes and temples. I don’t even know which doctor to go to. What should I do?
Hey guys! I finally picked up the calendars from the printin..
Hey guys! I finally picked up the calendars from the printing center 🖤 I'm doing a drop here for you first, and then on Instagram. Since the quantity is limited, hurry up to order ✨pls write me in DM , if you want to get this one
My dad called me again yesterdayI’m still angry with him, an..
My dad called me again yesterdayI’m still angry with him, and honestly, I don’t know if that feeling will ever go away.My parents got divorced when I was very littlе girlMy father is the kind of person who doesn’t notice how much his words and actions can hurt. He doesn’t understand how he keeps tearing down the fragile, invisible connection we once had – if we even had one at all.He never accepted me for who I am. The idea that we could have anything in common never really crossed my mind. His world seemed alien to me, and my intere...
Sometimes, when my soul suddenly becomes shrouded in a fog o..
Sometimes, when my soul suddenly becomes shrouded in a fog of sadness and it feels like there's only emptiness ahead, I turn to astrology or Tarot cards for support. 🤫🤪I don’t see it as the ultimate truth, but rather as a deep tool for self-exploration and understanding my own mysteries.So, for the last one and a half to two weeks, I couldn’t shake the thought that I needed to have a Tarot reading. The time had come. I’d been nurturing this idea, thinking that at some point in the near future I would definitely go.Then, on Frida...
