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Goodmorning my loves! I figured I’d tune you in on some of B..
🕑 Added 2024-01-03 17:35:31 +0000 UTC Goodmorning my loves! I figured I’d tune you in on some of Birdies interpersonal thoughts and feelings… I’m gonna write to you like I would my journal/wind Dear bros… Depression straight kicking my ass rn. Ivy is f//orcing me out of the house today. We are going to the gym. I haven’t been regularly in well over 2 months. (I think) I don’t know how time works right now. I’m just in burn out mode, I guess. I feel shame and regret over not going to the gym but I also know that if I continue this cycle of shame and regret it’ll push my goal of going to the gym even farther away. Is this even about the gym? Studies show us that Regret and Shame drive people further into themselves. And not introspectively. Showing yourself that kind of conditional love is what feeds and nurtures those bottomless pits that lurk within our souls. At least what I’ve come to believe.. but shame is one monstrous being with sharp black claws and long thick hair that will snake down your throat and fill your lungs. It pokes through the muscle and into your b//loodstream where it can become you. The hair now becomes your bones, your b//lood, and anything else you’ve known. Every now and then though, I’d get this ringing of church bells when I was alone. Inside my head, reverberating my chest, causing these tendrils to retract inside me and I was able to see.. to feel.. a glimpse of freedom. I don’t know what caused this avalanche of “church bells.” And to many church bells are ominous and scary but I just know I’m chasing it now. Whether that means, figuratively, or literally. I will find that sense of alertness. My belly aches for growth. And I want to tell myself “stop your belly aching, _____!” But I can feel the tightness of Shame squeezing my esophagus. I no longer can speak. I no longer can feel. I must exercise this before it takes over me. I must throw the ring into Mount Doom.. Before I become something much more sinister. so I will be the fellowship and follow myself into the very fires of Mordor. Don’t know where that is yet.. Left maybe?
