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Diary of an Internet Whore, August 14, 2020 Yesterday I wen..
🕑 Added 2020-08-14 14:34:30 +0000 UTC Diary of an Internet Whore, August 14, 2020 Yesterday I went on a Jeep Renegade ride with a new friend and took this picture. It struck me as similar to the picture of Sarah Connor in the first Terminator movie. I spent all day discussing with this new friend about life. She's also a trans like me but with 10 years more experience in transition. We had a great connection and she knows people and directors in the porn business and told me how I have all it takes to make a great career and they would looove to work with me. And the truth is that I would love to, I absolutely love doing this work. It's a passion for me. I love to get up early and spend 8 hours to workout workout, answer messages, eat clean, stretch, clean up to be pornstar clean inside-out, doll up, and shoot wild sex the entire late afternoon and evening. It's a lot of work but as they say if you love your job you'll never work a day in your life. For the first time in weeks I felt invigorated again. I thought of what Sarah says at the end of Judgment Day.. "The unknown future rolls toward us. I face it for the first time with a sense of hope," and it struck me that when I started working on my Onlyfans account in June, it was the first time in over a DECADE that I was actually happy and motivated to get out of bed and work on my day. Everything about this business feels natural to me. I'm not doing it because I am being made to do out of need and hate it like some do, or for being in a bad spot and doing it as a last resort. No, I have other options. But I have a passion for this stuff and the other options make my soul sad. I'm not sure we really get only one life, but even if we have many, why not enjoy them the way we want? The difficult part is that I must admit I still love my bf/ex/bf/ex/bf/ex and I feel like I have to make a choice between A) having someone I love in my life but working jobs that make me terribly unhappy, or B) Pursuing my dreams but losing that relationship. And it feels unfair. And I don't see why both couldn't work together. Of course, I have to admit that when he met me I was a shy office job girl, and now I want to get fucked on cam with others in front of millions of people and that makes him uncomfortable. But at the same time, I wonder, shouldn't he be proud that his gf becomes a worldwide star? Because I know I can make it big and I really want to give it my all. And it would break my heart to not pursue a career that I enjoy when the opportunity was handed to me and I refused to take it. But it would also break my heart to not go back with someone for whom I have strong feelings. However, our relationship has also hurt me deeply 4 times already in a bit over a year, so I am really hesitating and can't feel full trust and confidence anymore. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, and now I really understand the deep meaning of the expression. Would I be pursuing a vain dream? Would I fail? Or would I make it to the big leagues and finally have the life I've dreamed of in a way I could never have done otherwise? If I don't try, I will never know, and live with regrets. I'd just wish that the person I love would be by my side whether I become famous or fail miserably. And if I choose to let go of my dreams, I think I will end up breaking my own heart and resenting myself and maybe resenting him too. Either way, I'm fucked 💔
