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Diary of an Internet Whore, Aug. 21, 2020 Yesterday was a v..
🕑 Added 2020-08-21 18:33:02 +0000 UTC Diary of an Internet Whore, Aug. 21, 2020 Yesterday was a very weird day that felt eventful although from the outside perspective it might not seem as such a big deal. I haven't said much about my family life, but for those of you who have been following my adventures and vicissitudes, you have probably inferred that it's conflictual at best. The reality is much more complicated. First off, I have to say that my family loves me very much and I love them too. But we have a hard time getting along together for more than a couple hours. I come from a long lineage of alcoholics; I won’t get into details but my maternal grandfather died from cirrhosis and delirium tremens way before I was born. Contacts with my extended family both on the maternal and paternal sides has been about once a year until 5 years ago, and since my transition I have not seen much of them, if any. We had never been really close, for reasons I won’t get into too deep as of now; let's just say that on my maternal side, the relationships with my aunts and uncle have been cordial at best, and on paternal side, they're never been much in our lives at all. I was really really close to my maternal grandma, as when my parents split up when I was yo ung and we had to scrape by in low-income housing, she was our babysitter till I was about 12, when I was able to take care of my lil bro and sister. Yes, I have siblings. Life in my nuclear family has always been hectic. We've lived together, but we all had our own schedules, no family meals, we made our ways through lives and everyone would get dru nk all the time. We were THAT house in the neighbourhood where there were 2 open houses a week for about 8 years, throughout our teenage years. My dad has always been a heavy drinker and for him, the more the merrier. Studying or holding a regular job was very difficult as parties would always last till the wee hours of morning. That's why when I decided to take control of my life at 24, I moved some 125 km away, and put myself into debt to study and be able to succeed and get out of the restaurant and small sidelines hustles. Despite all this, one thing I have to say is that they have always accepted me as I am. I've been a depressed, moody mess from ages 20-30. I had a lot of anger arising from my "shameful" secret. Even my friendships were impacted by my weighted heart. Nobody knew what was wrong with me and they were saddened, but also annoyed at my perpetual existential angst. When I came out, it was a relief to them to know what had been wrong with me this whole time. Although they cried and felt like they were losing a friend, a brother, a son, I explained to them that I am still very much the same person; every experience we had had together is still valid, and I am the same but the difference is that now I am not hiding 50% of my Self anymore. So why have I not moved back with them when I lost everything last April? Well first, I thought I had found My Man. But second, there’s also the fact that although I’ve gotten way better in the past 3.5 years, they thought that my coming out was the big moment where I’d finally be HAPPY, but they don’t understand that it’s a process, that it takes time, it was only the beginning. I am still suffering from many issues including my dysphoria, as despite all my best efforts and working 3 jobs 50-80 hours a week 6-7 days a week for years I have struggled to pay back my university debt, and finance my transition, for which nothing is covered here in Canada. I pay everything out of pocket. I cannot get a Starbucks weekend job for 3 months and get $100 000 worth of facial feminization surgeries like the American shemales. I have to hustle and grind non-stop, and makes sacrifices, and live in absolutely horrendous apartments to try to scrape by the money for surgeries. Meanwhile, everyone enjoys life, parties, etc., but I could not. I had not had any sexual relationships in 12 years before I started feeling comfortable enough in my new body and having sex with men less than 2 years ago. Anyways, I’m ranting. I could go on and on and about the reasons why I’m exhausted, hurt, disillusioned, and fighting every morning just to make it through another day. I’d just need a break, you know? A place I could call home, have a full night’s sleep, not being worried about being woken up or kicked out at a moment’s notice... But I guess life doesn’t have this in store for me yet. I still have to work hard with little sleep and no money. So where am I getting at? Well, yesterday was a big moment. We hadn’t seen my mum’s side of the family in over 3 years. Last time they saw me, I was still, kind of a guy. My uncle bought this new beautiful home in the Townships with this beautiful brook in his backyard and he invited us for a BBQ. I was happy to see them at last and their reactions were very good. No big deal was made about me being a chick. I still couldn’t help but feel disassociated for many reasons. Everyone is talking about buying homes, about their new grandkids, my cousin’s children, family life, etc. Meanwhile, I’m just there, looking like a TV star, but I’m lonely and sad and I feel my life is empty. I battled depression for 10 years and wasted precious time between 15-25 years old. Then From 25 to now I invested all my time and energy just to BE me. I know that children, wedding, family life isn’t in store for me. I wonder what my life will be when I will be old. Alone? Forlorn? Seeing all that happiness was difficult. Weddings make me cry, because I know I’ll never get to experience that. I don’t think I even want to anymore. I just need to focus on doing me my own way. They asked me how I was doing, how was my career (remember, my university degree job?). I told ‘em I got fired because of covid. They asked where I live. I said I lost my apartment and I couchsurf. Way to feel like a loser among people who all have their lives together. They asked me what I have been doing since, where I am looking for jobs. And it was difficult, because I couldn’t tell them. I haven’t seen them in years. How could I tell them I make money by sucking dick and getting fucked in the ass all over the Web? Then my dad got very dr unk. I feel guilty, often. I know he’s always had a problem, but I think I’m making it worse. I don’t want to be a disappointment to my family. On the other hand, I wish they could be happy for me, to know I’m doing something that I enjoy, that I am good at, and that finally motivates me to get out of bed after 20 years of darkness. I don’t know how to just say it, and be honest. I fear judgment, but at the same time, I am proud of the work I do. But it’s such a taboo. Being what I am was already a big pill to swallow for everyone. But they love me anyways. And they know I’m still hiding something. On the way back in the car, in the rainy night, I was driving because I was the only sober one. My sister was sitting passenger front beside me and she asked me, how I have been doing since I left daddy’s home after getting into a fight with her. Where I’ve been living, what I’ve been doing? Am I ok? Do I have any plans? There was a silence. And she said she just wants me to be happy. And I realized I could never fix all my family relationships if I have to hide something from them. I’m just a terrible liar, so if I have a secret, I stay away from those I love to “protect” them from my shameful secrets... and that’s exactly what fucked everything up in the past 15 years. Because I never talk about what goes on inside me. I just pull away. I should give them the benefit of the doubt, after all, they always accepted me in all my fucked up weirdness. I am being unfair by not telling them. So I spilled the beans. I told her. I’m an Internet Whore, sister. I suck dick and get fucked on camera for a living.
