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Long upcoming post! I know I've been a bit MIA these past ..
🕑 Added 2022-09-16 09:20:11 +0000 UTC Long upcoming post! I know I've been a bit MIA these past 2 weeks. But between struggling a bit physically, even with just "normal" pregnancy things, I think I've truly just been struggling with myself and my self image. I feel like I've had pretty severe body dysmorphia for the past couple of years. (I don't see myself as I actually am, I see myself WAYYYYYY heavier) I tried really hard to get back to myself after a bad relatirelationship, where I felt extremely used and abused sexually. It threw me off in 2020. Which is when I took my first ever break from streaming. I was gone for two weeks and honestly since then, I feel like I haven't seen myself properly. I've had anxiety before every single stream and cried so many tears while getting ready because I had to sit and stare at myself and I did not recognize myself at all. I pushed through, and stream made it abundantly better. You all had been there for me through everything and supported me and loved me and I was able to be there and support you all in return too. Then in late 2020 I had the same person who made me feel entirely used, use me a bit more. I tried to help them by giving then a place to stay because they had no other options and it really made streaming hard. And made me loose my mind honestly, I felt like I went a bit crazy because of all the arguments I got in with this person. After only a couple of month's though, I had the courage to FINALLY stand up for myself and get that person out of my life. For good and to tell them not to come back. I've never cried tears of joy and relief like I did that day Then in the beginning of 2021 I tried to repair my relationship with myself and my body. I had sooooo many positivity posts in here. So many captions of things being better and all that mattered at the end of the day was trying your best. I got together with my current partner at that time as well. And our sex life shattered everything I thought I knew about intimacy. Honestly our whole relationship did. It redefined love and sex and the meaning of it all. I was in a good place, or at least growing and getting to a really good place. And then came the losses I had last year, in 2021. I had 2 back to back chemical pregnancies and a miscarriage at 9 weeks. And it ruined me. It ruined my hormones. It ruined the relationship I worked hard to build back up with my body. It ruined me emotionally. I was so hurt. And I had no idea how to feel better, or how to even ask for help in feeling better, because I didn't know what would help. Me and my partner had the roughest patch we've ever had in our relationship. We had no clue how to navigate the grief, let alone how to do it together and how to support one another. In the long run it brought us closer. And taught us a lot. But we decided we would absolutely wait to have kids and to be very careful from then on. I couldn't handle being pregnant again and I knew that. I came back to streaming afterwards and it was lovely. You guys never ever let me down. Through absolutely every4hijg you all have been my shining light in the damn dark. You make me feel good when I don't think anything else will. And the positivity you bring to my existence is otherworldly. Quote literally nothing brings me more joy then streaming and having a fun night with you all. So any amount of time being away from that, was and is extremely difficult for me. But I streamed a bunch and was so so happy to be back to it. And then BAM. Come March of this year, 2022. I'm still struggling with my relationship with my body. My anxieties are just through the roof over it. So I take some time to navigate my anxiety, both with my body and just general anxiety. And after my break, of course I find out I'm pregnant. Even though me and my partner were careful. Tracking ovulation and taking precautions. This dang baby had other plans lol Of course with my previous losses, this spiraled my anxiety again. Not to mention I was incredibly sick for the first 3-4 months of my pregnancy. Throwing up everyday, and unable to eat most foods. Being so nauseous to the point I couldn't do anything but sit there or lay down. But man. I never ever saw myself as I actually was. I never appreciated my body or how it looked. Or how it kept me going through all of this chaos. But now looking back at pictures I don't even recognize myself. My dysmorphia was so bad, that I didn't even see myself at all. I never ever remember looking in the mirror and seeing myself that way. And yet there is evidence I indeed did look that! And now here I am, my body changing yet again. Just throwing me for even more of a loop. Changing every day, and changing before I get used to the last part that changed. But I need to look at it from a point of gratefulness. My body carried me through all of those impossibly difficult times. It kept going even when I didn't think I could. It has housed me and allowed me to do all the things I've wanted. It has gained and lost weight. And has stretched and grown. It is growing a whole other human being right now. Without me even thinking twice about it! It's just growing it all by itself. It has done so so much and all I've done is stare and point out my own flaws instead of admiring. All I've done is pick and prod everything, every piece of myself until I didnt even recognize what I saw anymore. This needs to be the start of a new chapter. Of loving my body and appreciating all it does for me and all it does for my baby right now too. To look at it in awe instead of disdain. Here's to allowing myself to feel my feelings. But to not allowing them to cause negative actions anymore. To being at peace with my body in all its forms. And to being able to have the privilege of sharing it with you, both my body in itself and my journey as a whole. So here's to less anxiety. More appreciation More love And overall to more sunshine and good feels And to sharing that even more with every single one of you guys I'm going to finish out this pregnancy, and this lifetime in general, by embracing change and appreciating all that is ✨️☀️ Cheers to a healthy body relationship I hope you manage to have one too ❤️ Thanks for reading and thanks for being here ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
