hihiii a little life update post - tldr for those that don't..
🕑 Added 2022-11-18 15:45:26 +0000 UTC
hihiii a little life update post - tldr for those that don't want to read (dont blame you xD) i should be posting more consistently and trying to make new unique stuff :)))
some of you that have followed me for a while might remember a post i made a while back about me dealing with imposter syndrome and i actually got a lot of you messaging me that it helped in some way to know that someone like me experiences that too so i thought id write about me dealing with it recently.
Its probably obvious that I haven't been posting as much recently and my content has honestly been not super high effort and unique. I started doing this just because I liked making porn and thought I could make stuff that is more niche and unique. I still do love doing this, actual dream come true kinda thing, but as soon as numbers got bigger and bigger I started to feel like I dont deserve any of it. This creates like a super toxic cycle in my brain where I actively don't want to succeed and will do just about everything to not grow any larger which will cause success to stagnate and then decline. When I start failing part of me is telling myself I deserve that and its good but also failure doesn't really feel good either so I try to just do what I think will run the line between not failing but not succeeding either. And thennnn im disappointed in myself for not doing more and trying more for you all. I've always had a really low self esteem and tend to think really negative things about myself constantly but have worked on that a lot and its a lot better than it was in the past. One of the things im really dissapointed in myself recently for is that I havent kept up with messages and talking with you all as much as i used to and want to. Sometimes I get the weird creepy messages and what not but something that really surprised me when i started all this is how most of the messages I actually would get and you all still send are just normal cool stuff and really nice compliments. In the past year I have grown a lot and its hard to keep up with how many messages i get but its not the reason i havent kept up honestly, whenever someone tells me they "really enjoy my stuff and to keep up the good work" i feel really happy initially i could make stuff that people enjoy enough to say such a thing but then i start thinking i dont deserve that kind of praise and the more ive grown the more messages like that i get and it all would make me shut down and not want to click another message. I have done a lot of stuff recently for mental health and am finally finding a good mindstate to overcome this horrible cycle. The most important thing is I am going to just start making content I like and not tie any of its success to how many numbers it gets. Its how i started doing all this and i think it will result in the best and more consistent content for you all ! I never started doing this to make money or get validation or attention, I just thought creating porn was cool and wanted to make stuff people could enjoy. Thats never changed but I did start letting the numbers of socials or money or whatever affect my content and i want to change that.
SO after that rant from your favorite broken brained porn creator - I PROMISE you all im going to try my best and start making not just the usual stuff but more varied and unique stuff ! if you wanna message about whatever feel free to ! im ganna be more active there so as long as u dont say anything super creepy ill def respond when i can :DD
thank all of you for supporting me in doing this seriouslyy. Despite everything I still do love doing this and am so happy that im able to because all of you so seriouslyyy thank thank thank you. all of you be safe and do something today to be healthy !
