hihi everyone~ if you have been a long time fan this is anot..
🕑 Added 2024-09-03 18:00:41 +0000 UTC
hihi everyone~ if you have been a long time fan this is another one of those reiemi mental health posts where i ramble about my life. if you dont care and just wanna get off to my content then thats totally fine and you can just ignore this ramble post ! more content to come soon ! TW: SA and some surgical descriptions for the few of you that will read this i just feel like i owe an explanation to you all that have been so kind and supported me even when i feel like i havent been doing anywhere near my best. last year was a very rough year for me in a lot of ways. i fell in with a bad group of people and i had things done to me against my will that i cant say on this site but im sure you get the idea. it traumatized me in a very bad way especially sexually, whenever i would try to make content all i could think about was what had been done to me. i felt worthless and was at a very low point in my life. shortly after all that my appendix burst, i waited 14 days to even go to the hospital for it because i just couldnt even care to take care of myself. I was rushed to surgery and very nearly did not live do to organ failure. coming that close to death should have been scary for me but i remember not feeling anything at the time. the surgery went very well and i had amazing surgeons that woke up in the middle of the night to rush to save me. i was told if i had waited a day longer i would not have made it and all the nurses and doctors kept asking "why didnt you come in sooner" i had no answer for them. because i waited so long they had to open me up and staple me back together very quickly so i received a large scar right down my stomach. after all of this i was in a very bad place mentally. i had unresolved trauma that was affecting my ability to do my job and function just normally and now i had a large scar on my body. i felt like this scar ruined me, like i could never be seen as attractive again. i really thought that i was just a hideous monster. if u have noticed the past year i have been covering my stomach in most posts because ive just been ashamed to even show my scar because i was terrified of the thought that people would think im some ugly broken thing and toss me aside. i had many bad thoughts about ending everything and came very close to doing so a few times. i have been going to therapy recently and its helped me think a lot more healthy about myself and what has happened to me. i have made a lot of progress with my SA trauma in a way that im much more able to make content again without feeling sick to my stomach and ive even been having fun with it again. im still not fully past it and with this stuff i never will be but im much better than i ever was. as for my scar and body image of myself i feel much happier about myself and my scar. i still dont like it and have some issues looking at it but i dont feel like a hideous monster anymore. I am going to be saving up some money to get a belly tattoo over it later this year and am pretty excited to get my first tattoo ! i would have gotten a tattoo sooner but i have been bad with my money and my dumb self had no health insurance coverage at the hospital i went to so i owe the hospital lots of moneys (american healthcare). this was my fault though in many ways and i dont expect anything and am not going to ask any of you for anything since i especially feel like if anything i owe all of you for being so good to me all this time even when i was not making wat id consider good content for u all. ill end this by saying thank u all so much for being such good people to me. I havent been keeping up on my DMs for a while because i would feel sick to my stomach anytime i opened them thinking i would just have hundreds of messages saying how much u hated me now but i spent the last 2 days trying to reply to everyone and pretty much all of you have said nothing but kind and respectful things to me. i value actually talking to u all and getting feedback, ideas, just general nice messages and conversation, especially messages from people that say i helped them in some way in their life. okay ill try and wrap up here since i cant stop crying. im going to be trying my best again now and i will be much more active in my messages so as long as ur being respectful feel free to message me anytime :)). thank u all so much and to those of u that read to the end of this i seriously hope u are doing well and if you arent please dont give up like i almost did, things do get better.
