WALL OF TEXT WARNING:
I am a flawed man. I can't explain ev..
🕑 Added 2022-02-19 14:38:23 +0000 UTC
WALL OF TEXT WARNING:
I am a flawed man. I can't explain everything I do, or why I do it. This is just to bring you all up to date with my life, and potentially offer some explanation as to why I am such a 'gypsy on my own time' lately as I have been called. The last three years of my life have been spent blindly following my intuition and it has caused my world to be turned completely upside down in the best possible way, but I have a huge problem with way too much introspection and very little action.
At the end of 2019 I moved from my sunny hometown over a thousand miles away to the Rocky Mountains in Colorado to teach snowboarding as a way to find myself. Along the way I posted videos to Pornhub with very little thought behind it. I was exploring my exhibitionist side, and in doing that I was finding out just how many people craved the primal physical love language that I had trouble expressing as I grew up. At first all of this attention went to my head, as it does with most men, and I was a cocky asshole that thought the world of himself. I met a beautiful woman, River, and we had an amazing relationship in the summer of 2020. That was the first positive experience I've ever had in a relationship with a woman, and we started my Onlyfans page to continue posting our sexual adventures. We loved eachother so deeply that when I realized I didn't want to continue the relationship, I lashed out at myself and thought that I was a monster incapable of love or true connection. I tried to hide my self hatred through distracting myself with other women and drugs, but nothing doused that hate inside myself. I looked for help through a few friends, but the only friend I had physically near me in this new place was a narcissist and had no desire to hear my struggles. He loved hearing my vulnerability and pain. I was told that I used River, and that I truly was the monster I made myself out to be.
2021 came around I hadn't yet established sex work as a full time career and was still working another job. I posted myself and my adventures, but nothing like the year before. I thought the magic of it all was lost, but kept pushing, as so many people were pleading for me to keep posting as I had 'real talent' in this space. I was less and less turned on by the idea of sex work every day, and yet I continued to push myself to do it, as if it were my calling. As I worked ~50 hours a week, I would still convince myself to look for new friends and potential coworkers, which eventually led me to become friends with peachie, the woman I currently make most of my videos with. I would drive almost three hours one way to see her once or twice a month, and even with our limited time together, a beautiful friendship formed. I loved the way our bodies were in sync physically, but even more so, I loved the way her mind worked. No matter what hard times or misfortune was thrown at her, she always had such a positive attitude. She treated me extremely well, and in this chapter of my life, we grew together.
Around the start of 2021, even though I had declared sex work as my full time career, I had obviously gotten lazy and not thankful of all the universe had provided me with. I began posting my content less and less. I stopped replying to the friends I made online. I began slowly falling more and more back into my depression. I started to become less aware of my situation and started falling back into my bad habits. My relationship with peachie that was once blossoming, fell stale with no fault but my own. I found myself hating my very being once again, telling myself how much I've used the people I love, and never stopping to think if it was actually true that I was the manipulative asshole that I made myself out to be. I sought advice, again, from someone that was tainted by jealousy and secret hatred. This 'friend' only helped push this thought on me, and consistently made me question myself and the friendship and love that peachie and I shared.
I was very near ending my life in the summer of 2021, and I can't explain how hard I had been fighting to convince myself that I am worthy of the love and care that you all put forth to me. To every single person that wanted me to succeed, subscribed to my paid content, or messaged me any kind of good sentiment through this process is deserving of my utmost gratitude. I love you all, and words can't express how thankful I am for every single one of you that read this, and many of the people that will never get to read this. I have always been somewhat financially savvy, but I can't imagine taking this on without the monetary and mental support each of you have given me.
I didn't end anything obviously, but I was desperate for an answer, something to bring me back into myself. Something to restore my confidence as a man. The day after I had a particularly bad breakdown, I went to try a Brazillian Jiu-jitsu class.
I don't think there is anything magical about Brazillian Jiu-jitsu (BJJ from here on out), but as I came into my first class with a clean slate, I realized how grounding fighting and wrestling can be. You are required to be nothing but present. Every thought centered around the past or future melts away, and your focus shifts to the present only. I could go on for days about BJJ, but it was exactly what I needed to get out of my head and begin living life again. I slowly started to enjoy my days again. I would post my content here and there, but still had trouble finding my stride again. As I repaired my life and began to train my BJJ for the ending months of 2021, I started to see myself in a new light.
At the end of 2021 I decided that I wanted to compete in a No-gi BJJ competition. I have spent the entire start of my 2022 focused on my training. I pushed myself harder than I ever have, and all for a silly goal I had. As the date for the competition on Feb 5th drew near,
I began questioning myself. I started to think of how dangerous this all was, and how I had never competed in anything but high school Soccer. I was afraid. I was in uncharted territory for myself. Amidst all this, I realized that I obviously had high regard for life if I was afraid, and had no desire to die, so I might as well train like a crazy person.
I went to my competition and placed 4th amongst my bracket. No medal was earned, but I finally had really applied myself and learned something brand new for the first time in years. I am proud of myself for this, because giving up is just so easy to do, but for some reason I keep trying to get up and try something new. That tenacity has really brought back a lot of that lost confidence in myself.
I am eternally grateful for the support I received from all my amazing friends while I went on this journey, and if you are reading this, just know that you are absolutely a reason that I am here and still fighting my own thoughts. I literally will never be able to make it up to you, but I am so thankful for you. I am doing so much better mentally, and I really feel like a new chapter of my life is opening. I am leaving my narcissistic roommate, and moving to a beach in the coming months by myself. I think this will be a massive leap for my sanity as well. I'll keep you all updated where it is, but ya boy is tired of the mountains, and wants some sun.
All of this aside, my lack of posting is inexcusable.
I spent all of this time recounting these events not for pity, but so that you can see the true timeline of the past few years of my life. I am not asking for even an ounce of sorrow, as I have an amazing life that most people would kill to have.
I have stopped answering messages until I feel like I can mentally handle taking on these new friendships and questions. I'm sorry if this is a dissapointment to you, but I'm trying to rebuild myself from the ground up, and anything that isn't necessary in this very moment, I've removed from my life. I am hardly in touch with friends or family at this point, so this was a needed decision. I've cut out drugs, games, and self pity, so I'm hoping to have an amazingly focused year of rebuilding and healthy habits.
I miss you all, and will be posting more than you've ever seen from me. I'll do a live Q&A tomorrow night on here to talk to anyone that has further questions, but just know that even just talking about this side of everything makes me ridiculously uncomfortable. If you read this, thank you for genuinely caring about me.
Regularly scheduled horny content to resume now 🥰
