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Happy Winter Solstice! I'm still feeling great. I can hone..
🕑 Added 2022-12-23 00:51:58 +0000 UTC Happy Winter Solstice! I'm still feeling great. I can honestly say this is the first winter in about 15 years that I'm not fending off some level of depression. I am happy to be experiencing this time of year without feeling bogged down by something. And worried about my inability to share myself, express things. I have always been a joyful person. It is often not too difficult for me to find something to find gratitude in or the positive side of. But my emotions have always been large, sweeping forces in my life. And as high as I go is also as low as I've gone. I'm currently hunkered down in my apartment as a blizzard is rolling through. I've got a stew cooking on the stove and my cat Gene is sleeping on a blanket beside me. I just spent the last 30 minutes cleaning up my kitchen counter/sink and singing. I've done so much work on my voice over the past few years and I don't wannna lose all my progress so I'm making sure to sing at least a few days every week. I always wish I had more time to dedicate to music but I always seem to be pulled away by some other more practical obligation or social temptation. I remember a time when I wouldn't be caught dead singing in my apartment - the only place that'd ever hear a serenade was my car. Someone could hear me in my apartment! I couldn't allow that. I carried way too much shame and had little to no ability to nurture my emotional being. If the thought that someone could even have one harsh judgement about me (or my voice or my song choice, etc.) even entered my mind, I was a mess. Inconsolable. But now I sing. And I'm happy. When I started therapy during the darkest part of my life, I did not know how to be kind to myself. I literally didn't have the words - I couldn't even pretend. I needed an example. And my therapist back then provided that. I'd say something about myself or my life and she'd just be kind. She'd honor every emotion of mine, every fear; validate every part of myself that was just tired and sad and beaten by the harshness of the world. The things that I thought made me too dramatic or too sensitive, she honored. So I learned to start honoring them. And eventually they stopped running my life, begging to be heard and validated. It's funny how deeply we can be swimming inside of our misery and still be oblivious to how much we're dismissing it. Of course, it's never all that simple. It's not like I just started being more kind to myself and all of my suffering disappeared. Besides, it's really really hard to rewire your thought patterns. Not impossible, but not easy. It's hard to even recognize how often we slip into autopilot - whatever that means for you. But it's where I started. And now I have kindness all around me. And I refuse to entertain anything else. And I hope that however this winter finds you, you're taking care of yourself. It's time to sleep and rest and relax. It's time to reflect on things and take it easy. Maybe you're turning inward and dealing with some darkness. It's the time for it. I hope you greet it all with kindness.
