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November 21-27, Part 2 of 2 Thursday, November 25, 2021: I..
🕑 Added 2021-11-27 21:17:11 +0000 UTC November 21-27, Part 2 of 2 Thursday, November 25, 2021: It’s thanksgiving today, which is an uncomfortable holiday for me; I have a rampant eating disorder so I struggle to enjoy all the food and, even if that weren’t the case, I don’t even have a family to spend it with so I just don’t see the point. It’s been that way for a really long time now. I’m kind of just used to it, which is fine I guess, but I must have been feeling empowered or something this year because I thought I would try something new: I was going to wake up, watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade like I did when I was a kid (before I had a disorder), go to a Friendsgiving with some nice coworkers, then come home and watch a Christmas movie or two because Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday. Unfortunately, that is not what happened. I woke up and went looking for a stream of the parade only to find it behind an absurd paywall (why does Hulu Live cost SO much?!). Having the very first thing go wrong on a day where I already feel really fragile was pretty discouraging but then I got an unsolicited text from Work Crush, who knows this day is hard for me, reminding me to just relax and that everything is going to be okay. I hear that all the time from people and I usually kind of hate it but I actually believed it this time and it made me feel nice. I felt seen and understood. I felt forgiven. Most importantly I felt a whole lot fucking better. I picked myself back up and decided to go get ready for this Friendsgiving thing, but that didn’t go so well either; I got super anxious the more I looked at my reflection and could barely recognize what I was looking at, growing a repulsion to this “stranger” I saw in the mirror. I’m self aware enough to know that such feelings are irrational and symptomatic of my dysphoria that stems from my eating disorder but it’s a retroactive awareness and in the moment I don’t fucking care. I stepped away from the mirror before it triggered some kind of reactive behavior and I’ve been avoiding my reflection ever since (although sometimes I still catch a glimpse of it when my laptop screen goes dark but I guess that is okay). I guess I’m not going to the Friendsgiving anymore. I adore my coworkers and the fact that they extended an invitation to me but they all come from very different backgrounds/have very different life experiences than I do which sometimes makes it really hard to relate to them. They actually look up to me in that sense, they appreciate my experience and point of view which is awesome, but sometimes it kind of makes me feel like a spectacle to be patronized. It feels hypocritical to be upset over something like that because I know that is basically the crux of my internet brand, putting my life on display, but in those moments I’m not trying to “perform” or whatever and I just want to have a nice moment where I can maybe forget that I’m such a damn outsider; “Praise is dangerous. It can go from a little to too much in just a few words. Sure, it’s nice to know that someone likes what you do...but to take it all the way you must turn a deaf ear to praise, move and keep moving.” Today I am simply just going to turn on some sad anime, have a few drinks and start a new painting. Work Crush has also been periodically sending me funny Tik Toks and texts to check in on me (I even got one while writing this paragraph), that’s also been very nice. Today may not have gone as planned but, considering where I am compared to just two months ago, I am still so lucky and so grateful to be where I am. Friday, November 26, 2021: It’s officially Christmas time, bitches! Wooooo! I was going to go out and buy a television today in hopes that I could get in on some of those sweet Capitalism Friday deals because a television is the last major thing I have to get to furnish my apartment before Work Crush comes over. I don’t have any form of card payment right now because I had to get a new card so I only have cash but I didn’t have enough. That’s okay though, I realized I probably need to do a little more research anyway. I got a surprise visit from my mother, I guess she was traveling for Thanksgiving and happened to be passing through my town. We don’t really have a relationship but we aren’t really strangers either so I guess I didn’t mind. She stopped by to give me a gift: A few years ago I was part of this city sanctioned art competition where a bunch of artists were asked to paint Christmas murals on the windows of local businesses. The winner was chosen based on social media interaction. My mural got the most interaction but not on the platform the judges were using to determine the winner so I got second place. I’ve always been a little bitter about that but it’s okay. I’m still really proud of the mural I did, I thought it was cute and very funny, and the experience was amazing albeit very fucking cold. The gift my mother gave me was an ornament of the mural I painted. Apparently she had them made for the whole family. I had no idea any of the other family members even knew about it. It was very nice. I don’t even know if I want to put it on my tree and instead just put it away for safe sentimental keeping, haha! The theatre cancelled the opening of the show today, they are just having a normal day of rehearsals instead. At least they finally did a full run through. I stopped by to see Work Crush and had a nice long lunch break with them. They finally had some life in their eyes again, a day off and some nice family time did them some good I think. We talked a bit more about whether or not they were going to stick around and work the next show. I don’t think they are, which is fine. I obviously don’t want them to leave but it’s not about me and my wants/perspectives. It doesn’t mean I won’t still see them either, it just means I will see them in a different setting, which may actually be healthier. While we were talking we heard the musicians warming up again which meant Work Crush needed to get back to the soundboard. We said goodbye and I shamelessly stared at their ass as they were leaving because DAMN they looked hot today 🥵 I came home and, despite being very NOT in the mood, I did a live stream because I had kind of been putting it off. It was alright, I was getting kind of fed up with people though. The veteran viewers are always so sweet but sometimes they just don’t outweigh the glaring indelicacies of this job; “there’s no one farther from a reality than a critic.” I got a call from Work Crush on their way home from rehearsal, I think they are trying to make that a habit now so we don’t go days without talking again. It was a nice pick-me-up after the stream and we had some very healthy conversation until we both fell asleep. Saturday, November 27, 2021: I have to drive to Birmingham today to pick something up for a friend. I feel at home on the road so I think it will be a therapeutic drive. I woke up to a text from Work Crush and apparently they didn’t cancel tonight’s show so I guess this is opening night. They did, however, fire one of the actors for saying something racist and are now scrambling to rework the cast. What a shit show, man. I’m a little nervous to post this new diary format to Onlyfans but people have been asking for something like this for a while, let’s see if they are prepared to get what they want. Time to hit the road 😎
