emmastarseed
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I don't know the full extent of what 'my purpose' here on Ea..
🕑 Added 2023-05-17 17:33:19 +0000 UTC I don't know the full extent of what 'my purpose' here on Earth is, but I know that when I trust my heart and intuition, I am divinely guided and the opportunities feel endless. And well, sometimes that feeling of 'endless' can be overwhelming. Over the last week, I had spiraled into a lot of self-doubt. I've been grappling with feeling a bit rejected, misunderstood, and confused (within my personal life). I was focusing on all the questions I've not yet gotten answers to. I was letting fear guide and rule me, and questioning every single one of my decisions, all while feeling a lack of physical support in my life. Some of these existential feelings are still there. I haven't moved through them all, and I don't know if and when I will. But I do want to share today - and if there is one thing I know it's this: I know that I am a nurturer, and that is part of my role while I'm alive in this body. As I grow into myself, I have realized even more that one of the things that makes me feel most alive is to heal and beautify the beings and environment around me. When I lived in Washington for several years, I would go out into the forest, the coast, or the mountains to find that connection. It was honestly electrifying and deepened my relationship with the Earth. Her wildness taught me and challenged me. She also held me and brought me safety in times of distress. And while I felt 'part of' it all, I also knew I was stepping into a terrain that I'd be leaving. Always grateful for the visit, but I felt unsteady without roots. I have been seeking places that can make me feel 'at home' all of my life, and I'd be lying if I said that WA never gifted me that feeling. But all the while, I never had a steady place to call home, and during the last part of living there, I was actually nomadic and lived out of suitcases. I truly thought I wanted to be nomadic! But my body was in need of something stable - constant - a sanctuary. Beginning of 2022, I moved back South - hearing the energetic calls of my family in need, and planning then to be 'part-time nomadic'. And while I didn't totally understand why I was going back there just yet - I knew it needed to be done. As soon as I returned home, my mother faced some life-threatening health challenges, as well as my father, and later in the year I assisted my two family dogs *and* my grandmother in leaving this realm. I sat with death again and again. I was confronted with it painfully and beautifully. And I'm still processing how much my life has changed, while clinging on to trust - even when I don't yet understand the big picture. So, now I reside on my family farm, where each of us have our own homes but share the land and many of the animals. I love having my roots but I still question if my goals are aligned with those I've chosen to live in community with. I still question how long I want to stay here. I still question my role in my family's well-being (when to step in, when to let go), and if I'm too often sacrificing myself for the sake of everyone else. But every single day I am connecting with the Earth in new ways. I am tending to a land that is deserving of healing. I am, at times, a harsh catalyst for truth within my family - and that leaves me feeling separate with a bit of 'black sheep' syndrome. But I am choosing to trust the path. I am choosing to tend to the land and the animals that find their way to me. And living on a farm with tons of dependents means you continue to face death. You continue to face hardship, the brutal teachings of mother nature. But you also get to experience softness, love, and undeniable truth. My bare-feet belong on the earth. My hands belong in the dirt. My heart remains open. My body is learning to feel safe over and over again. So no matter where you are and what you are dealing with, I promise you - with my whole heart - you too belong here.
