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Warning long post 🖤🌧️🩵 There are some days when I just don’t..
🕑 Added 2024-05-02 23:23:28 +0000 UTC Warning long post 🖤🌧️🩵 There are some days when I just don’t like looking at myself and don’t feel enough comfort or confidence in my body to take new pictures. It’s strange, especially considering that in many ways my appearance is my job, but every so often my body dysmorphia appears to haunt me. I even wrote a whole article about it on my Cyberhorny page - ***https://www.cyber-horny.com/post/dysmorphia-the-beautiful-body-image-discontents-in-our-cyber-age-and-the-hypocrisy-of-recovery*** 💙🐬 Idk… it’s a very strange thing feeling who I am as my body changes subtly on a day to day basis (the female hormone cycles, certain medication and what not) - but seeing it freeze in an image online. The beautiful pictures are how I want to be remembered. Some of my favorite pics of me are nude, others clothed. These are a few selects 🌟🦋 It impacts my work when I have these dips of cognitive dissonance - the days I’ve felt ugly or uncomfortable I’ve fully scrapped whole video shoots or refused client requests to video chat, cried looking at myself. It’s selfish and egoic, isn’t it. Looking back at my past statements, I’ve made the most income on here when I was a bit chubbier and my medications made me gain weight. I somehow marketed myself better - to offset the stress of the weight gain, I put my all into advertising and making my account grow so that I could feel like I’m doing good at something. But I feel better about my body when I can consider myself petite. And in a mental peace, I’m not as agitated about not doing as well on this platform. My account has been a lot slower since last year when I made the choice to cut back OF to part-time and work on my book more seriously. So which is more important- money, or peace in sense of self body and mind? It’s a really difficult task to juggle both running this page + writing a book on running this page and exploring the psychology of being so horny and vulnerable. There’s so many strange consequences to being nude online, and an obvious but not talked about, startling one is the body image discourse. There’s a strange consequence to also being nude online psychologically — if you’ve been following me for a while, you likely have not just seen my nudes and sex tapes, but my life drama and darker parts of my inner monologue. Your subscriptions and tips have helped me pay for my therapy. This page has served as my secret diary at times (how Laura Palmer). I’ve been writing less “emo posts” lately which I think is good — the therapy techniques are working. Every time I write one of these, my subscriber count drops.. Overall, all things considered, I’m in a better place than I was a year ago, a few years ago. But the thing about dealing with chronic depression and anxiety is that they don’t go away, I have to mitigate them with coping mechanisms and interrogate them to understand better ways of pushing through. Does my writing on these darker subjects make you feel a certain way? Uncomfortable? Seen? Unpleasant on a porn page? Interesting on a porn page? You can always skip it and just look at the nudes hahah Writing it out really helps — as I wrap up my first draft of the upcoming *Cyberhorny: Navigating a Sexual Dystopia* book, which will contain personal and theoretical insights on my lens of the online sex industry, I realize in some aspects I’ve been giving you guys a preview of my book here all along, at least of the tone it has. I feel oddly safe to share so candidly here — it’s nerve wracking and exciting and anxiety inducing to release a personal text into the world. Sex workers, especially online and on onlyfans, get so much hate and disrespect just because of what we do. “Oh this is so easy” “Oh this is so immoral and dehumanizing” …you know what? Sex is a part of life, it’s normal, it’s fun, it’s human. To be self-objectified and “dehumanized” is a driving theme of how I navigate my online presence. I know what I signed up for — it’s a voluntary choice, and one I stand by. It’s the farthest thing from easy, to have any semblance of success in this incredibly over saturated market. And yet of all the drop dead gorgeous girls online, I am one of the ones you’re subscribed to, for whatever reason - be it my body or my mind or both. So thank you for that 🖤 Making my OF account has been a positive in my life, and I hope brings you guys some joy too, even if momentary. It’s also allowed me a vehicle to start other projects and meta-analyse it in my book. My goal for the book is to humanize the sex worker experience. It’s not a drab academic thesis, and not a memoir. It’s both, it’s neither, it’s nothing, it’s everything, it’s stupid, it’s brilliant. It contains subjectivity. I have taken care to not write in a way that is overly intellectualized or pretentious — I write for no target demographic, and I want anyone to be able to approach it and understand it. Inevitably there will be some parts of the text that are more pedantic. Philosophical, even. Others still will be fluffy, nonsensical, or just straight up unhinged. Girlish silliness is the new intellect. When it comes out, I hope you feel compelled to read it 🖤
