estelleexposed
onlyfans
I’m shutting down my Onlyfans temporarily. Getting into on..
🕑 Added 2021-04-09 22:38:24 +0000 UTC I’m shutting down my Onlyfans temporarily. Getting into online sex work was supposed to be a personal challenge as it was the only form of sexuality I had yet to explore. I was excited to be surrounded by supportive and loving fans who’d love to watch me unleash my wild side. And it worked! Before I had never taken a photo with my legs opened. Now I can take pussy pics. I was even getting more comfortable with sharing my face. In reality, the mechanics of making porn is a bit complicated - but still a fun challenge! Except when it involves other people and they press their expectations onto you about what your fans want to see and what you should be doing. I don’t want to argue. I just want to create . I crave support and acceptance. Deprive me of these things and I crumble into a heap. There was no real financial incentive for making an OF, especially at the tail end of the COVID pandemic. I just wanted to learn more about myself. I didn’t want tension or stress. But I got a lot of that, when trying to film when my partner, from expectations from my clients, from professional expectations from myself. I wanted to strengthen my ideals of dignity, not have it tarnished & challenged by strangers. I wanted to grow in a positive space, where I was my only competition. I feel this idealistic view has been crushed by the hammer of reality. It was served to me in the form of a review. The review of my Onlyfans wasn’t a negative one. In fact, it was good! But it resurfaced feelings about reviews I long buried. I wish the person just spoke to me about his intentions. I feel a lot of the sad feelings I feel now could have been avoided with a bit of consideration. I guess he doesn’t owe me anything. But I don’t see the point in reviews, the cost value doesn’t make sense. He wrote the review for himself, at the expense of my feelings. When I asked if he was interested in hearing my feelings he said yes & when I explained, he was disgusted. He made it sound like I should be grateful and that I was acting entitled. My points were valid and well articulated. They never attacked his character, but focused on the review culture, my safety and future. In his response, he focused on my character, and he extrapolated many theories such as me being man hating or a lazy worker. It saddened me. Onlyfans was supposed to be fun & sexy. I have never lied to my fans about my intentions & factors influencing performance. It wasn’t supposed to be something distilled for consumerism & economics fonder, where my value is judged against another’s. That takes away the joy. Seeing as I have no financial obligation to stick to my Onlyfans & seeing how I’m being judged unnecessarily, I just don’t see the point in this method of exploring my sexuality. What do I gain out of it? What makes it worth my time? Why are men so angry at me when I adore them? I don’t want to make a permanent decision when feeling emotional, and I especially don’t want to make a decision because one person was unkind, I’m not that precious. But it is a bit of a wake up call. I’m an idealistic person. I assume the best in everyone. I trust everyone. I want to believe in the good, I want to inspire love, I want to spoil people with affection. I’m no stranger to negative experiences in this industry. I’m not a naive flower who’s only just realised how cruel the industry can be. I know the nature of the beast. There’s no cotton on my eyes but I’d carved and cultivated a wonderful corner in the industry of love, support & safety. I feel it’s been taken away from me & I’m vulnerable again. This experience has me putting my guard up. It’s stifled my creativity. I feel more dread than excitement. It’s made me question my ambitions & strategy. I wonder what’s the best way to respect and honour myself. I need time to figure it out. For these reasons I’ll be putting a pause to my Onlyfans. It might be a few days before I get over it. It may be weeks. Maybe months. Maybe never. But for now, only sub if you’re interested in my archives. They’ll be nothing new to see for now. If you feel you’ve been financially robbed with my time off, please consider talking to me before feeling angry. There are ways I can make it up to you. I just want this space to be filled with peace. Allow me to give that to you. 💓
