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I also use sunday’s to reflect on my week. feel free to resp..
🕑 Added 2020-08-30 19:04:18 +0000 UTC I also use sunday’s to reflect on my week. feel free to respond with how your week went too :) . . . . . . . .. . . . . . I feel like this past week was a really good week! It was hard, emotionally, but i got through it. Getting back from the west coast was rough, but I’m so glad I went. It was worth the red eye, the fever blister, and the travel inflammation. My heart feels so full to have met Emma and connected in the way that we did. She came into my life just as my friend who I’ve been talking about on snap seems to have left in some way. I’ve come to terms with the shift, it took me about 5 days to really settle into the change, but I did without a fight so that’s saying something. I’ve attached some screenshots I took from the advice I got on snap and a couple of tweets that helped me get through this transition. Maybe they can help you too. My snapchat is zescarn for anyone who wants to follow along :) This was also the week of my one year anniversary since attempting to end my life, which, I don’t mind talking about it because I know im not the only person who has ever felt this way. I also know that by telling my different stories and sharing my experiences, I can reach someone and help them through my healing story. But to look at where I am now compared to the 25th of august felt…overwhelming. But without last august, I wouldn’t be able to feel happiness. To know what low feels like means I know what true happiness feels like. And I know that the hardships I went through one year ago were put there to help me grow into the person I needed to become. I was in that space because I was broken. My heart needed to break in many different ways in order for it to be able to receive more love, if that makes any sense. Like, the spaces where my heart broke is where I now have space for more love...I can feel more love because of the broken pieces. Idk, im probably saying this wrong but I hope you get the point. This month has been all about focusing on self-acceptance and self love. I feel that I can give love out to you guys just fine. True love, like true connection and care for the people who choose to get close to me on the internet. But giving it back to myself has been tricky but DAMN am I learning each day. And that’s so exciting. It’s also so exciting that I get to learn from you guys!! You don’t know it, but the ones who choose to respond to my snap stories, get my phone number, partake in discord chats, and those who connect with me in ways I didn’t think were possible before starting in this industry….you teach me so much and im so grateful to be apart of your lives too. So yeah, the theme of this next month/year or whatever is to love me and by following my dreams, working really hard, and taking time for myself…I’m taking care of me. Hopefully next year or the year after that I can really work on receiving love externally but for now, im going to be pretty selfish when it comes to self love. And that feels good. As for work, I feel like this week was really great work-wise! I connected with a lot of new people from the different shout outs I’ve been hosting (thanks again for being so cool with it, btw) and August is coming to a close which makes me feel a whollleeeeee buncha things. Something I’m currently struggling with is the (rejection?) or the realization that I hurt someone without intending to. And I guess me putting more energy into this isn’t the right thing to do because I shouldn’t dwell on other’s experiences too much but if I was in the wrong, I want to learn from that and grow further to understand myself and those around me. I’m hurt that I hurt someone and I’m not really sure how to go about it. Basically, ever since starting out on cam, I’ve looked up different models for inspiration. A couple being Scout, Brielle, and Izzy. But the biggest, most influential person I looked up to was Olivia (Livibot on twitter, her work is wonderful) Through her doing her thing so eloquently, I not only was able to spark my own creativity but heal in ways I can’t even get into right now because my fingers would hurt from all the typing. But basically, I loved some of her ideas. Like meditations and audio recordings (which is where meditation Monday came from before I took Mondays off) I especially loved the ones she had about bringing her friends together. Slowdown Sunday came from her idea where she asked her snap friends to list out what they’re grateful for. I LOVED that idea. So I implemented it into my community so we could connect more and I could learn more about you guys, but I didn’t ask for her consent or shout her out for the idea and she communicated to me last night that hurt her. So much so that she unfollowed me on twitter and blocked me on onlyfans to protect her work from me. Which like OUCHY! That HURT! One of the most influential models for me blocked me to protect herself from me? But the rejection isn’t what hurts, the more I look into it. It’s that I hurt someone enough for them to do that. Maybe how I go about this is acknowledge it and be more conscious moving forward. But it’s weird because I have this mentality that if any woman is winning, we are all winning. I’ve had girls steal my ideas, and some made more money on my ideas than I did…but because of me, someone was able to find success. That’s…..beautiful. That’s so beautiful to me. But another lesson I learned through this conflict is that not everyone’s experiences/values are the same as mine. Just because I think it’s empowering to inspire other models to use my ideas, it doesn’t mean everyone thinks that way. And that’s where healing comes into play. It’s quite selfish of me, actually, to think this way. That because I think like this, every other model also thinks this way and therefore, I can use this person’s idea and make it my own for my page. I'm torn between 'this is how inspiration and empowerment works' and 'I'm a terrible person.' No balance, no in between. My head is spinning, I hate conflict. I apologized and explained that I didn’t have ill intentions, but im sure the damage is done already. I just feel things so deeply, especially conflict. I’m sad I hurt someone else. Anyways, I’ll get over it, probably after more thinking and contemplating. but this is where the self-love comes into play, right? this is bringing my practice into the real world. It's about shifting my thoughts from "you're a terrible person" to "you're human." But yeah! That’s my week. How was yours? :)
