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As you've potentially noticed, there has been a massive shif..
🕑 Added 2023-01-02 05:02:02 +0000 UTC As you've potentially noticed, there has been a massive shift in this environment. As there have been massive shifts in my world. And it took over 365 days for me to accept that within myself and that the only time that exists is now. I cannot go back. I cannot stay here. I can only go forward. In accepting what was. What is. And what could be. And so this space and content shall continue to reflect that reality. That means rectifying my choices to "live life facefucking shame" and to truly put my money where my mouth is with that concept and accept that I feel A LOT OF SHAME for ever having put my sex online. Does that mean I think all people should? Absolutely not. You do you - whatever that is. The shame I feel is how ill thought out that choice was in my own world. I made it at a time of deep sadness and scarcity and I made it for one choice and one choice alone: money. I know within my core that any decision I've ever made purely for financial reasons has never been in alignment with myself. And to think that I tried to monetize my most vulnerable sides simply because I knew how and because I thought it would be a "fun project" for me and my partner, in retrospect, is a terrible base for a life-altering choice. No amount of money I've earned from this effort has been worth the amount of introspection I've had to do to understand if I actually want to be producing porn with my own physical body. No amount of money I've earned has been worth the incredible hurt and damage this has done to the relationship with my family and other non-sw creative clients. And this project did NOT bring me or my humans closer together. Instead it shone a very bright light on all the reasons that was a misguided attempt at intimacy (and rather a grab for validation). I am an adult and I fully accept the responsibilities of my actions. What you've seen all the way through has been real. Real people. Real sex. Real connections. Which was my goal all along - can a real representation of sex exist in porn? I still don't have an answer to that question. The inherent presence of a camera and concept of capturing something completely changes the nature of any experience - sexual or otherwise. But that is a bigger question for bigger discussions... I've spent a lot of my digital life grandstanding and speaking to or for others. I won't do that now or ever again. But I'll never stop asking questions. What I will say is that when your gut tells you something is wrong for you, listen. The longer you wait...the louder that sensation will become and the harder it will be to make yourself feel better. Day by day as I have unwound all the narratives that took me to the place of getting double penetrated on twitter, I've asked "how did I end up here?" Afraid to admit to what feels right. What feels wrong. What is hurting others. What is hurting myself. As I will undoubtedly continue to disseminate these actions for the rest of my life (because that's my style), I can also try and do better by keeping a new promise to myself: to do so with curiosity rather than judgement. Yes...we are here now. So the question is...what next? While I figure that out for myself by myself, that is what you will see.
