TW: depression/life changes/death/dv (but it turns into rede..
🕑 Added 2023-12-31 16:12:44 +0000 UTC
TW: depression/life changes/death/dv (but it turns into redemption)
2023 was a huge year for me. However, I didn't need it to be new years to change.
On my birthday, March 11th, I turned 30 and it was literally the worst day of my life. I had no family or friends to call and no one calling me. I had no plans. I literally had nothing. I was living with my best friend, but my best friend was also really sick. It was overall just a really rough day and I felt completely alone. I felt so much heartache it was unreal. I didn't like the way my life was heading. I remember tears were just streaming down my face all day. I could not stop crying. I felt a pain I had never felt before.
Well, within 30 days I decided to change my life. I didn't know what to do, but I was so unhappy. So, I moved out of that apartment that I had with my best friend and took a flight for the first time to a place I had never been 600 miles away. I only had 2 bags. I just wanted something different. I told my friend that I always wanted to see the ocean. I lived out of hotels for the first month or so, but then I finally got my first apartment. It was not easy. I was scraping by and didn't even know which hotel I'd be at day by day. I finally got an apartment, but I felt like it was only by luck. I didn't have furniture, but I was just happy to be able to say that I had a permanent roof over my head that was mine. I was still scraping by, but I felt like my head was a little bit above water.
Fast forward a few months to August 15th: I went and saw the ocean for the very first time. Right after I left the beach, I got a phone call and found out my best friend (the one I had lived with for the past 5 years) passed away. My best friend's mom told me that she decided not to have a funeral service or anything. I didn't know what to think. How was I supposed to have closure?
November 2023, I went back to try and have closure for my best friend. I didn't know anything. I didn't know what happened to my best friend's stuff or if anyone moved in already. The only thing I knew to do was go by the apartment complex to see if anyone was still there to just have some type of confirmation since my best friend didn't have a service and there wasn't an obituary either. I pulled up into the parking lot with my friend and there was someone else living there, so that was my confirmation. It wasn't really closure, but it was something.
While I was on this trip, I arranged to buy dinner for my ex-boyfriend's parents and planned to finally get all of my stuff back from them. Just to tell you... I haven't been with or seen my ex-boyfriend for over 6 years. I didn't even officially break up with him. I left randomly and left all my stuff because I was that terrified of him. So, it's been very hard trying to get all my stuff back from his parents, but he was also extremely abusive and they know this. Anyways, we had a nice dinner and I got all my stuff back after 6 years.
I'm leaving a lot of details out, but I said all of that to say this: things can change. I thought I was stuck in a terrible situation. I didn't see a way out, but I made a way out. So, I moved out. Also, despite all of these circumstances, I had different signs kind of confirming to myself that I was on the right path after I moved away because I felt a lot of guilt for leaving.
(Sign #1) The first hotel room I got when I moved away from that horrible situation was room #311 (my birthday)
(Sign #2) Remember I said that I saw the ocean for the first time and then right after I found out my best friend passed away? Well, I didn't notice it until afterwards, but there was a picture I took the day I saw the ocean for the first time, and there's an image in the clouds that gives me confirmation that my friend is in heaven. I do not want to share this picture because it's very personal, but I still wanted to share this detail because I always told my best friend that I wanted to see the ocean.
(Sign #3) The first hotel room I got when I came back from my trip to have closure for my best friend was room #311
Despite the circumstances, I still try to be positive. I prayed even during those really dark times. I still pray all the time. I wanted change and wanted better. I don't really talk about all of the trauma I've been through, but what I can tell you is that I pulled myself out of it all. Yes, of course I got discouraged, but I knew just sulking in that sadness wouldn't change anything either.
One day when I am ready I will officially talk about everything in full detail. I know I have undiagnosed mental health issues. I'm actively working on getting a therapist to work through my trauma. I have my good days and bad days, but I am doing really well. I am still living in my apartment. I don't have much furniture, but I am content. I have a beautiful kitten, Leo, who is the sweetest. I sing all the time and love being creative. I have a lot of supportive friends and even talk to some of my family members now. Things aren't perfect, but I am much happier.
I appreciate it if you read everything. I just wanted to share my story even if it helps just one person! Just take one day at a time. You can do this.
Happy New Year! 🥰
