⬇️ [Long text ahead, sorry] ⬇️
So as you maybe noticed I di..
🕑 Added 2022-02-15 12:10:18 +0000 UTC
⬇️ [Long text ahead, sorry] ⬇️
So as you maybe noticed I didn't post for the last 4 days. I'm sorry about that. I'm alive, I'm good (mostly) and I'm not leaving at all. Thank you if you're one of the people who reached out and asked me about what happened. Many things happened all at once. Some of them are good, and most of them are not so good. I already wrote about January was difficult, and I tried my best to February be different. Honestly, it's just fucking not. I'm still mentally exhausted and now I have to face new shit too. I had to not stress on this Valentine's day because I was already too close to my mental breakdown so I decided to just step back and rest for a few days, even if it means not posting for 4 days (fun fact, I'm still stressed because I wanted to make you something awesome and I couldn't, and I feel guilt, shame, and self-hatred, woop-woop). I promise there will be Valentine's content. It will be late, I know. Just hang in there with me for a little bit longer.
I think I'll talk a little bit about all the stuff happening with me. You may already know I lived in Sweden for a year (in Malta before that for another 3 and half years) and I moved back to Hungary ~2 years ago. And I'm not okay here. This place makes me sad, afraid, and unhappy and in a way, I feel trapped because I probably can't leave for another 2 years. So I have to deal with this constant passive negative feeling and it starts to become too much with everything else.
2 years ago when I came back here, my family needed help. That was one of the reasons I came back. They moved out of Budapest and things were difficult for them. I tried my best to support them financially with my Swedish funds and I helped them with a loan. But things turned out very different than they were supposed to, mainly because of the virus and I didn't get back most of my money and now, 2 years later it's really missing. I struggle with this a lot, I had a plan when I came here, I wanted to do what I do here and so much more but the plan didn't include that loan. I feel awful because I already hate myself for coming back and ruining everything and adding the fact that I can't even execute the plans I basically came back for, just makes it even worse. I'm not sure what will happen, I'm not sure how I will solve this, but I will. Somehow.
In January my Grandpa get really sick. He's in hospital now, and the doctors have no idea why he's bl33ding (restricted word...) inside for 2 months. I'm sure he'll die in a couple of weeks because they just can't help him. My Mom and my Aunt are already crying because they can't do anything at all, we have to just sit and watch. It's just destroying me to see them like this and I can't help it, I blame the Hungarian healthcare. And it makes me more afraid about my other family members, mainly my Mom getting ill, and then I'll be the one who'll need to sit and watch her die in a Hungarian hospital.
Last Wednesday I got a message from someone important from my past, one of the great regrets of my life, and it was the last drop in the glass. It sent me in a downward spiral, I tried to deal with it and it just became worse, I should have worked on the weekend, I had a photoshoot planned but instead I met my family because they needed emotional support and I got extremely d2unk (restricted word again...) on Saturday. It was a really bad way to just flee and hide under a tremendous amount of alcoholic drink. If you wonder, no, I don't have alcohol problems, I literally wasn't this d2unk since the era of my life that included this important person. I think it just triggered something in me and I was back there for that day... I'll try my best to solve this situation today.
Now you know what happened, and why there's no Valentine's content yet. I'm working on it. I want to do this, this is my dream, I have so many plans, so many things I wanna show you, and so much cool and sexy stuff I wanna create for you and for myself. I want to be proud of my work and I felt I wouldn't be proud of whatever I can create on the weekend in this mental state at all. I'm sorry I'm late. I'm sorry for the wall of text I'll leave here after I hit the Post button. I'm really sorry. Please, just hold on for a little while longer...
